


Pastel Panic

by metal_arm_metal_shield



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Phanfiction, band au, pastel!dan, punk!phil, theatre!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-04 10:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4134069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/metal_arm_metal_shield/pseuds/metal_arm_metal_shield
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Because even though I'm living my dream and doing what I love, I'm still that fucked up kid that has no friends, has weird interests, and has anxiety."<br/>Phil Lester is the lead singer of the rock band "Pixel". To his fans he's a confident, sexy, rock god, but in reality Phil suffers from panic attacks that are beginning to ruin his life.<br/>Dan just got tickets to see his favourite band live and is excited to see his secret crush, front man Phil Lester. But he's even more excited when his friend, Chris, somehow gets him backstage.<br/>EPILOGUE ADDED: PIXEL PEACE<br/>(I'm really terrible at writing descriptions, I promise the fic is better than the synopsis! Also there's vivid descriptions of panic attacks in this, just so you know.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

PHIL'S POV

My head feels like its about to explode and my lungs feel like they're on fire because my breathing is rushed and ragged and oh my God I can't see properly.  
What's going on?  
I look in the mirror of the grubby backstage bathroom and I see a scared little boy, not some badass rock god that everyone bought tickets to see.  
I'm shaking and trying to avoid panic, a wave of nausea washes over me and I look down into the porcelain sink that was white once upon a time, but now is a grubby beige and I fight the urge to cry and shout and vomit. I'm begging myself not to freak out. How can you feel so many things at once? I'm angry at myself for feeling this way, I'm scared shitless of going on stage, I'm upset that I can't be man enough to share what I'm going through with anyone. I'm-  
"HEY PHIL!" There's three loud thumps on the bathroom door, and I can tell from the voice that it's our manager, Jim.  
"Get your fucking arse out here! You're already twenty minutes late!"  
I take a shaky breath, and then another, and then another, because I've done this before.  
Not perform, but disguise a panic attack.  
My eyes are bloodshot? No man I wasn't crying, I just smoked a joint.  
I'm shaking? That's because I just did a shot on an empty stomach and I'm buzzed.  
Rock and roll man.  
Rock and fucking roll.  
I don't want to be that guy. The typical "badass" guy in a band who pisses his life away with one night stands and drugs and alcohol. But I have to be, no one wants to see me. Yeah, I love my tattoos and piercings and the clothes I wear but my attitude... that's not me. All the fans know is my name, they don't know me.  
I storm out of the bathroom and nearly knock over Jim. I want to say sorry. Why can't I just turn and say sorry? I want to, why can't I? Because I don't want to open my mouth yet, for fear screams come out instead of apologies. Its easier to pretend to be pissed; moody and mysterious is sexy, after all. I'm walking to the stage, dreading stepping out in front of the crowd.  
Because even though I'm living my dream and doing what I love, I'm still that fucked up kid that has no friends, has weird interests, and has anxiety.

DAN'S POV

The venue was typical of music this style; cramped, dimly lit, and reeking of alcohol. I didn't really fit in here; most attendees were dressed in black, sporting piercings and dyed hair, and here I was wearing a pastel pink jumper and a flower crown, but I was here with my best friends and I was about to see my favourite band, why would I care? I had gotten the tickets for my 18th birthday last week, and it was all I could talk about.  
"Dude, I can't believe we're about to see Pixel live!" squealed Chris.  
"I know," agreed PJ "And we're right at the front!"  
We were up against the barrier, touching distance from the stage, and I was beyond excited. The tiny venue was packed at the atmosphere was electric. The band were due to come on stage at any moment and everyone in the crowd was chattering excitedly among themselves.  
Though I didn't admit it to Chris or PJ, I was seriously excited to see Phil.  
Phil Lester; the front man of Pixel.  
With his dark hair, tattoos, and lip ring; Phil was thought to be sex on legs by so many people... including me.  
Suddenly, the lights went down and an ear splitting scream erupted from the crowd. Chris, PJ and I joined in with the yells, chanting Pixel along with the rest of the fans.  
Out walked the drummer, saluting to the crowd before taking his seat behind his drum kit.  
Then the guitarist bounded on stage and took his place to the right of where the drummer was now sat.  
The bassist strutted out, earning a high pitched screech from the girl behind me. I guess she had a crush.  
And then there he was.  
He walked out on stage like I'd walk to the shop; casual, used to doing it a thousand times, unphased.  
And he looked oh so sexy.  
He was wearing ripped skinny jeans and a short sleeved red plaid shirt, which showed off his colourful tattoo sleeves.  
He pushed his fringe out of his eyes before grabbing his mic and introducing the band.  
"Hey Manchester, we're Pixel and this song's called Sticks and Stones."  
His voice was like velvet; deep and raspy yet soft, and when he started singing I got lost in it. He gave every song everything he had and PJ, Chris and I had the time of our lives; singing at the top of our lungs, jumping in time to the beat of the songs and clapping along with the rest of the audience.  
"Manchester," stated Phil after their final song "You've been absolutely fucking insane. Thank you so much for coming. We've been Pixel and we'll see you guys soon!"  
What? No, it couldn't be over yet!  
Chris poked me in the ribs. "See that guy over there?" He questioned, and I followed his gaze to the guy stood side stage.  
I nodded.  
"That's Jim."  
I scoffed. "How do you know?" I asked, skeptically.  
"Because his mum was my mum's best friend up until they moved about a year ago. I used to kind of know him. So, anyway, mum got a call off his mum, and mum mentioned that we were seeing Pixel tonight, and his mum was like "Oh Jim works for them now! I'm sure he'd be delighted to see Chris, he barely sees anyone he used to know, now". So I'm gonna go say hi, and maybe try to get him to weasel us backstage."  
My head hurt from hearing the word "mum" so many times. I raised an eyebrow. "You really think that you can get us back stage? Go ahead. I'll wait here with Peej."  
"You just watch and learn, young Howell, watch and learn."  
So I quickly filled in PJ as to what was happening, and we both watched as Chris approached this "Jim" fellow. Chris went up beside him and tapped him on the shoulder, and as soon as Jim saw him his face lit up and he pulled Chris into a hug. PJ and I exchanged looks of disbelief, and then continued to observe Chris. We could see them talking, and Jim laughing, but we couldn't hear anything over the din of the venue. Then Chris turned and gestured to PJ and I, and Jim cracked a smile and waved at us both, before turning back to Chris and resuming their conversation. Another minute passed before Jim patted Chris' shoulder and disappeared back stage. As soon as he was out of sight, Chris turned and hurried back to us with the biggest smile on his face.  
"You guys owe me big time..." he started.  
"No way. No way. Chris you didn't. You did not get us backstage."  
He started nodding frantically with excitement.  
PJ's jaw dropped and I pulled Chris into a bone crushing hug whilst repeating "oh my god oh my god oh my god" because this was actually happening. I was about to meet my favourite band.

PHIL'S POV

Even though my anxiety made it difficult, there was nothing I loved more than performing my music.  
It was an amazing show, and we were all chilling back stage afterwards. I had kind of gotten over what happened earlier and I was sat on one of the couches by the exit, checking my phone. I had a text from my mum and a couple of Twitter notifications. Some guys were already in the party mood, downing shots and jeering. I had taken a beer, and was sipping from it every now and again. I had no intention of finishing it, or getting drunk tonight. I just wanted to get home and go to bed. We had a day off tomorrow, and I just wanted to get my head straight before our next show, and sleeping off a hangover wouldn't do anything to help.  
Jim came through the back stage door and greeted us with a smile.  
"Great show guys!" he beamed "You killed it!"  
We all said our thanks. Jim was offered a drink but refused. We knew he didn't drink, but we always offered just to be polite.  
Jim came over and plonked himself on the couch beside me.  
"Hey Phil?"  
"Hey Jim, what's up?"  
"Well I invited some guys backstage, I just wanted to run it past you first. You seemed kinda shaken earlier."  
This made me feel so bad for some reason. Jim was the nicest guy on earth, the coolest manager anyone could hope for, and one of my closest friends. Why couldn't I talk to him? I knew I could trust him, we'd known each other for years. But why couldn't I bring myself to just tell him?  
"Yeah of course," I said honestly "If they're cool with you then they're cool with me."  
His face broke out into his signature grin before he lay a hand on my shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Thanks Phil."  
He sprang up off the couch and back to the door he came through just a few minutes earlier, holding it open for the guys to come backstage.  
In walked three boys; the first had curly brown hair and eyes that were unbelievably green, he was wearing a t shirt that had a 1-up mushroom from Super Mario on it, so he was cool in my book. The next boy was wearing a plain red shirt but wore one of the biggest smiles I had ever seen, he even gave Jim a run for his money.  
My breath caught in my throat when I saw the last boy to enter.  
He was absolutely gorgeous.  
He was tall; about six foot, with brown hair that flopped down on to his forehead and was topped with a flower crown. His eyes were so dark brown that they almost looked black in the dodgy backstage lighting. His gaze was flitting nervously around the room, and it seemed like an eternity before they came to rest on me. I forgot about everyone else in the room for that moment.  
"Hey, Phil!" called Jim, and I broke eye contact in order to look down at my lap to gather my thoughts for a moment.  
I put on my "Phil-the-rock-star" face and then sauntered over to meet the guys, giving them a nod and my "signature" smirk.  
"Guys, this is Phil," said Jim, gesturing to me. "And Phil this is PJ, Chris and Dan."  
Dan. It suited him. So did that flower crown, man that looked so adorable on him.  
The three of them looked at me with smiles on their faces, and I smiled back and said hi to each of them.  
"Hey man," I said to Jim "Why don't you go introduce them to the rest of the guys?"  
"Good idea," replied Jim, walking away and gesturing for them to follow. Dan turned away but I caught his hand, he looked back at me questioningly.  
I drew him closer so only he could hear what I was saying.  
"Come outside with me for a minute."  
He looked up at me with those gorgeous big doe eyes and nodded, biting his lip. God, this guy was driving me crazy already.

Without letting go of his hand I brought him to the door that led to the little smoking area outside for bands playing at the venue. The night was cold and the stars were out and I sat on the wall, stealing glances at Dan at every given opportunity.  
I fished a crumpled packet of cigarettes out of my pocket, and offered one to Dan.  
"Oh no thank you, I don't uh... I don't smoke,"he laughed nervously.  
"Do you mind if I do?"  
"Not at all."  
He watched me as I placed the cigarette between my lips and teeth and lit it. I closed my eyes and inhaled the smoke deeply, already feeling more relaxed. I didn't really smoke, only socially and in situations where I felt like I needed to. Stupid, I know, but anyway.  
"Those things will kill you..." he whispered.  
I could only chuckle.

DAN'S POV

As much as I hated smoking, Phil looked so hot when he did it. He shut his eyes and tipped his head back and I swear to God all I could think about was kissing his exposed neck.  
I was so nervous. Why would Phil Lester want to be alone with me?  
"Hey," he said gently, looking straight at me. "What's on your mind?"  
"Nothing," I lied. I looked up at the stars and then back at Phil who was still looking at me intently.  
"I like this," he said, using the hand that wasn't holding his cigarette to point to my flower crown.  
"Really? Most people hate it."  
"Well I think its adorable," he replied with a shrug before taking another drag.  
"Wow... thank you."  
He smiled at me, his eyes gazing over all of my face and then focusing on my lips.  
"You bite your lip when your nervous and it's kind of driving me crazy..."he said huskily.  
"Sorry... it's a bad habit..."  
"Well I can help you break it..."  
His leaned in and I followed suit. My mind was whirring like that fastest setting on a washing machine and oh my god I was about to kiss Phil Lester and-  
His lips met mine.  
People often say that you feel electricity when you kiss someone, that you forget everything except the person you were kissing.  
I never agreed until now.  
My senses were on fire.  
Phil tangled his hand in my hair and pulled me towards him, I wrapped my hands around his waist, feeling him breathing against my palms.  
He opened and closed his mouth and moved his tongue in perfect timing with my own. His kisses were soft and gentle, yet demanding and passionate. I could feel his lip ring against my lips and it was turning me on more than I'd care to admit. He tasted like mint and cigarettes and he smelled intoxicating and if I thought I was lost in his voice earlier then I was stranded now.  
His phone started to vibrate and he groaned in annoyance.  
He pulled away reluctantly and rested his forehead against mine, breathing heavily.  
"Fuck... I'm so sorry but I need to check it."  
I nodded, unable to find words.  
"Hello? Hey Jim, whats up? Oh um... sure, of course I can... What now? Alright, hang on." He took the phone away from his ear and handed it to me. I looked at him quizzically before taking it.  
"Uh... hello?"  
"Hi Dan, this is Jim, from earlier?"  
"Yeah, hey, what's up?"  
"Well... your friends are kind of wasted."  
I slapped my forehead with my palm.  
"The fucking idiots..." I mutter. "Where are they?"  
"I'm taking them back to Chris' house, don't worry I know where he lives."  
I cursed, I was supposed to be staying at Chris' house tonight, now what was I going to do?  
"I know you were supposed to go home with him," said Jim "But I just asked Phil and he said that he'll take you home."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah."  
"Thanks so much for this Jim. I owe you one."  
"Nah its alright. We should all hang out again sometime though, maybe without the tequila next time!"  
I laughed quietly "Sounds good to me. I'll get Phil to text you my number, should anything happen tonight."  
"Sweet, alright man I'd better go. I'll talk to you later."  
"Sure, bye Jim."  
I hung up and handed Phil back his phone. He was staring intently at his shoes, obviously lost in thought, but then he looked back at me when he saw that I was finished.  
"So... I guess you're taking me home."  
"Is someone expecting you back?"  
"No... I was supposed to be staying with Chris and PJ." I said bitterly.  
"Well you could always stay with me."  
I raised my eyebrows at him.  
He shook his head. "Not in that way Dan. I just meant you could crash at mine, I'd even sleep on the sofa if it made you feel more comfortable."  
I thought about it in my head, but I already knew the answer.  
"Fuck it, why not?"  
He smiled and took my hand.

PHIL'S POV

There was something about the way that Dan said my name.  
It made me want to kiss him, and touch him and have him scream it.  
After grabbing my jacket and my bag from the backstage lounge we left and started to walk home.  
It was quiet now. The venue was empty aside from those left backstage, and most of the fans had gone home, but I took the long way around the venue just to be sure we weren't stopped. Its not like I didn't like to meet fans, its just that I liked being alone with Dan much, much more. The streets were mostly quiet and I took some deep breaths, exhaling the last of whatever panic I had felt earlier. The city was my home and I loved it at night, when it seemed like everyone except for me was asleep.  
Well, me and Dan.  
His hand was in mine and every now and again I'd squeeze his fingers, just to see his cheeks turn rosy.  
"So Dan," I said "Tell me about yourself."  
He laughed nervously "There's not much to know... I've just turned eighteen, I live just outside of town and I work as a barista at the moment. I'm not very exciting."  
"I disagree."  
"Well I'm not half as exciting as you! You get to do what you love... you always look so happy to be on stage... I wish I was that happy when I serve people their lattes" He laughed again, except now I couldn't tell if it was bitter or sad.  
"You see that's what everyone thinks, and yeah I fucking love what I do, but a lot of shit comes with it... like I-" I stopped myself and shook my head. I couldn't tell Dan.  
He looked at me with eyes that I feel as though I could never say no to.  
"What, Phil?" he asked, and his voice was so full of concern that I wanted to tell him.  
"N-Nothing," I said quickly, brushing it off.  
He looked disappointed but didn't say anything, and I fumbled with my words whilst trying to change the subject.  
"So... Uh.. what is it that you want to do? Like I know you're a barista but..."  
He gave my fingers a reassuring squeeze and smiled at me, obviously getting the message that I didn't want to talk about myself. He sighed before he replied.  
"I want to be an actor."  
This shocked me. I don't know why, but Dan seemed so shy. I couldn't picture him performing, no matter how good he may be.  
"Like with films or?"  
"No, musical theatre."  
"Oh wow... that's actually... that's actually really cool Dan." I said genuinely.  
"I don't know why I'm telling you this," he chuckled "Not even Chris or PJ knows that."  
"Well... I guess now you're gonna have to invite me to see you perform one day."  
"Thanks, but I don't think that'll ever happen."  
"Not with that attitude!"

DAN'S POV

After telling him about my job as a barista we drifted on to different topics; what we did in our spare time, our favourite books and what our lives were like before we met. It turned out that we had a lot in common and shared a lot of similar interests and as we walked back to Phil's apartment we drifted into comfortable silence, which was good, because it gave me a chance to think.  
Phil was so different to his stage persona. I expected to feel really intimated; scared of saying something stupid in case he thought I was lame, but here I was talking about my dreams, dreams that only I had known about until now. He was so much more gentle than he appeared. Don't get me wrong, his tattoos and lip ring and dyed black hair made him look ultra sexy and badass, but underneath that he was kind and caring and, dare I say it, really cute.  
We reached his apartment block about ten minutes later, Phil unlocked the door and held it open for me.  
"Beauty before the beast?" I asked jokingly.  
"Oh no," he said seriously "Shit before the shovel."  
I feigned offence but only for a second before we both dissolved into laughter.  
Phil straightened up and the laughter died out, and as it did he looked at my hair.  
"Your flower crown's crooked,"he said quietly. "Here, let me fix it."  
With a look of adorable focus on his face, he reached up and adjusted it so gently I barely felt it. His touch now was so much different to the demand in his kiss earlier. I still can't decide which touch I loved more.  
He was so close to me, and I couldn't stop thinking about how surreal this all was. I could feel his breath, and as his hands trailed down from my hair and came to hold my cheeks I couldn't think straight... pun intended, I'm very gay.  
"You're so beautiful..." he whispered.  
I was the one who kissed him this time. It was different to our last kiss at first, this was slow and deep and relaxed and purposeful, whereas our last one had been hungry and erratic. His hands moved to my waist and held me tightly against him. His tongue ran across my bottom lip and I opened my mouth and then we were kissing and I don't think I've ever felt more alive. I tangled my hands in his hair because even though were already pressed together I wanted him closer.  
He broke away and I felt as though all the air had been kicked out of my lungs. I craved him.  
"Come upstairs..."he said slowly, in a voice that was just over a whisper.  
I nodded soundlessly, taking his hand and following him up the stairs to his apartment. He opened the door and I walked in after him, now curious to see what his home looked like.  
It was surprisingly tidy. The kitchen smelled like lemon scented cleaner and the lights made the counter tops shine. The lounge was cozy, he had left the heating on whilst he was out so the place wouldn't be freezing when he got home.  
There were pages everywhere.  
Post-its, torn bits of newspaper with scribbles on them, pages from sketchbooks, all over the walls, on top of coffee table, on the mirror above his fireplace. On some the writing was so cramped you couldn't see it without squinting, on others the writing was in block capital. It was the definition of "everything and anything". I could see shopping lists, doodles, song lyrics, quotes and reminders of things to do.  
"Ring Mum at 1" was underlined twice. I wonder if he remembered.

"Sorry for the mess..." he trailed off "I'm gonna go to the bathroom and get cleaned up, I probably still smell like the band."  
"Okay, I'll wait here."  
He gave a quick smile before shuffling down the hall. I heard Phil turn on the shower and lock the door and I wandered around reading what was written on the pages.  
"Meditate (medicate??)" I recognised them as lyrics to their song "Nirvana".  
"2226014"  
"Call therapist," was written with a shaky hand and circled so many times that the paper tore. Therapist? What was wrong with Phil? I pushed the thought out of my head and moved on, admiring his scrawly drawings of lions and guitars and roses.  
Eventually I threw myself down on the couch and closed my eyes. I hadn't intended to fall asleep, but I must have because I don't remember anything else.  
But then I heard crying.

At first I thought that I had dreamed it; the whole thing. But then I rolled over and felt paper crunch beneath my hand and I sat bolt upright.  
Where was Phil?

PHIL'S POV  
I stared at myself in the mirror.  
I was in my boxers and my hair was wet and in that moment I hated everything about myself.  
Why was I so pale? Why was I so lanky? Why were my teeth crooked?  
How could Dan ever like me? Why the fuck would people listen to me?  
Why would they pay to see me?  
Oh my God why can't I breathe?  
Its like my throat is blocked and I think I'm choking help me I can't breathe help  
I hit the floor and put my back against the door because I actually think that I might be dying I need to breathe.  
I cough and suck in and finally I have air in me again.  
I hear footsteps in the hallway and then I feel even worse because Dan's here and fuck he can't see me like this he can't I  
"Phil?" He asks urgently, knocking on the door. "Phil are you alright, can I come in?"  
I think of Jim knocking on the bathroom door earlier and him yelling at me and I feel like I'm split in two.  
"Phil I'm coming in."  
I don't even have the time to stop him because I'm scared of everything and my heart's racing and I can't feel my hands.  
Suddenly I see Dan and I feel his hands on my face but I don't know what to do so I just cry and cry and hope that I can cry the panic out of me.  
He's saying things to me but all I can hear is my heartbeat its thundering in my head and it sounds like the start of a hurricane and I squeeze my eyes shut but I can still see all my failures.  
I'm moving but I'm not and then I'm in Dan's arms and I don't know how I got there and all the colours are too loud and I want to rip off my arms because my tattoos are screaming and I can't hear.  
One hand is in my hair rubbing in circles but I know its not mine because I pull my hair not stroke it and then I hear Dan counting to ten and I start joining in but I've forgotten how to count.  
One.  
One.  
One.  
Two?  
Two.  
I've lost count.  
Three... four  
four  
FIVe  
Back to one?  
"Come on Phil, you're doing really well..."  
onetwothreefourfive  
Inhale. Exhale.  
One.  
Two.  
Three.  
Four.  
Five.  
In and out.  
Repeat.

 

I don't know for how long we stayed like that, but Dan never stopped rubbing my hair or kissing my head or murmuring soothing things to me, but all of a sudden there was light streaming in my window and goosebumps on my legs. I turned and looked up at Dan who was already looking at me. I expected to see one of two expressions on his face; either disgust or worry.  
But I saw neither of those things.  
I saw a smile that'd I'd happily wake up to every morning.  
"Hey," he said simply.  
"Hello."  
"Shall I go put the kettle on?"  
"That would be nice."  
"Okay, come on then."  
He stood up with me,took my shaky hand, and we walked to my kitchen. I sat down as he navigated the unfamiliar presses and flicked on the kettle.  
I liked how he looked in my apartment.  
On my sofa.  
In my kitchen.  
With me.


	2. Pixel Peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five months after their initial meeting, Dan spends a night with his boyfriend Phil who's been on tour for the past few weeks.

DAN'S POV   
It was finally winter; my favourite time of year.  
The only thing I didn't like is that it was too windy to wear my flower crowns and they were always blown off my head, but I could get over that.  
I was on my way to Phil's apartment. It had been a long day at uni and I was looking forward to spending the night with my boyfriend, having cuddles, and maybe getting a Chinese or something.The day had gone so slowly and I was counting the minutes in class until I could leave, each one feeling like an hour.   
The pavement outside his building was slippery from the rain and the nip in the air reminded me of the night that I first met Phil, and when we walked this route to his apartment.  
Basically, the night I fell madly, deeply, head over heels in love with him.  
We'd been together five months, and every Friday after my last lecture of the week at university I came and stayed the night at Phil's; sometimes we went out, sometimes we didn't, all that mattered to us was that we were together.  
Except Phil had been touring the country with his band Pixel for the past three weeks. We've spoken on the phone, but only briefly, because he was always with his other band members, or he was on the road, or he was too tired to talk for very long. I missed him so much, and every Friday after uni when I took the left turn to go home instead of the right turn to go to Phil's I felt a little more empty each time.  
I couldn't keep the smile off of my face as I entered Phil's building, and I took the stairs two at a time until I reached his door. I pressed the doorbell and heard shuffling on the other side.  
"Just a minute!" I heard him call and my heart skipped a beat. I had missed hearing that voice in real life almost too much, except nothing with Phil was ever too much, it was always just right.  
Suddenly the door opened and before he had even taken his hand off the door frame I threw myself at him, wrapping him in a tight hug, filling my lungs with his scent. It was clear that I had caught him by surprise as he was only wearing jogging pants, but I felt his bare chest vibrate with laughter and he nuzzled his face into my neck, wrapping his long arms around me tightly.  
He was whispering "I missed you I missed you I missed you" over and over again to me, leaving a kiss on my skin after each word, and in that moment I felt more at home in his arms than I ever did in my own house.  
Eventually we broke away only for him to lean down and kiss me. This was a deliberate kiss; not sloppy and fast and hungry and demanding like our first one, this was slow, and passionate and thoughtful and it was the type of kiss that should be as constant as a sunrise or sunset because I needed it in my life everyday.  
His soft lips parted mine and I nibbled on his lip ring- God I loved that thing- and he slipped his tongue into my mouth and grasped my hair in his slender fingers, pulling it lightly. I ran my hands along the plains of his back, feeling the slight difference in texture from his skin when my fingertips roamed over a tattoo. I had each one memorised, my favourites being the dragon on his shoulder, where my hand was now, the words "not all those who wander are lost" on his ribs, the lion on his forearm.  
We pulled apart and he pulled me tight once again. I don't know how long we stood there for, it could've been a minute, it could've been an hour, but I didn't care. I'd spend the rest of my life in his arms if I had a choice.

PHIL'S POV  
I breathed him in; the smell of floral washing powder and fresh air, and that smell was more addicting to me than cigarettes ever were.  
I moved my guitar from the couch and propped it up against the wall so that we could sit down. I sat facing the fireplace and Dan sat with his head in my lap gazing up at me lovingly.  
I was so in love with him. Its insane.  
He took my hand and played with my fingers, lightly touching each one, tracing the tattoo of a star on my thumb.  
"Tell me about your tour... were you okay?" he asked me softly.  
This tour was the best we'd ever had. Almost every show was sold out and the crowds were amazing, and aside from one night I managed to keep my panic attacks under control.  
"It was amazing," I said, staring into his doe eyes.  
"Did anything happen?"  
I sighed "This one night I had a bit of a... well you know, a panic attack."  
His brow creased in concern. "Why didn't you phone me?"  
"We were about to go on, I couldn't. It wasn't bad though."  
He relaxed a little, but still looked worried.  
"Did something trigger it?"  
I looked down and to the right, focusing on the rug. "I uh... I wrote this song... an acoustic one, something the band's never done before... and I played it for the guys and Jim recorded it to send to our label to see if they liked it. So anyway Danny, you know our bassist? Well he hurt his hand the day before and couldn't play that night so he got this guy Natt to fill in for him, who seemed pretty cool. Well he volunteered to send the email to our label as we and Jim went to a meeting with the guys who sell merch..." I drifted off, unsure if I was making sense.  
Dan put a finger under my chin and tilted my head up so I was looking straight at him.  
"Go on," he whispered, reassuringly.  
I exhaled "Well when Jim checked the emails he called me over urgently. As it turns out in the email he sent he states numerous times that the song was his own original work and that he wrote the lyrics and the music." Dan's face fell in shock, but then contorted into anger.  
"That motherfuck-"  
"I know, I know. So Jim phone up the label and tried to sort things out, try to prove it was my song, and he had to go through this whole copyright infringement thing. They couldn't do it over the phone so they had a meeting the next day. We all went to find Natt but he'd obviously left when he realised we had found out, so on top of everything Danny had to play even though he was in pain, I felt so bad. I was on edge but the show was good and I felt okay. Anyway, the meeting went fine and we all signed some stuff, but it shook me up pretty badly and I had to leave straight after... I just went back to my hotel room and... I don't really remember it, it could've been much worse... I should've called you."  
He nodded "Yes you should have," he affirmed. "I'm just glad it's all sorted now, though. What a twat."  
I smiled down at him and wondered what good thing I must have done in a past life to deserve someone so perfect in this one. He was angelic and his smile made me want to get down on my knees and thank whatever god was listening for a life so beautiful.  
"So what was the song about?" He asked me, distracting me from my thoughts.  
"Oh... well its a bit weird, its about how I'm getting better, thanks to you..."  
He looked at me and I at him and I just wanted to kiss him and hold him and live like that forever; the two of us in my apartment, safe from the rest of the world, and keep him all to myself.  
"Could I hear it? Please?" He said before biting his lip. He knew what that did to me.  
I nodded and he sat up so I could grab my guitar.  
When I sat back down I saw that Dan was sat on the other side of the couch with his legs crossed, looking at me expectantly. He looked so adorable. I leaned over and kissed the tip of his nose, which I felt scrunch up under my lips.  
"Phillllllllll," he whined, batting me away, "stop dawdling."  
I got comfortable and retrieved a plectrum from the coffee table. Before I begun I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I'm always nervous playing to people when it's just me and my guitar. It's crazy, I know, I'm the front man of a successful band and I've played to hundreds of thousands of people on stage, yet there before Dan I felt like I was naked or something. For a second I forgot that I was still shirtless, and the back of the guitar felt cold as it pressed against me. It was a slow song, and I began to strum and sing softly.  
"No warning sign, no alibi  
We faded faster than the speed of light  
Took our chance, crashed and burned  
No we'll never ever learn

I fell apart, but got back up again  
And then I fell apart, but got back up again yeah

We both could see crystal clear  
That the inevitable end was near  
Made our choice, a trial by fire  
To battle is the only way we feel alive

I fell apart, but got back up again  
And then I fell apart, but got back up again  
And then I fell apart, but got back up again

So here we are, the witching hour  
The quickest tongue to divide and devour  
Divide and devour

If I could end the quest for fire,  
For truth, for love and my desire  
Myself

And I fell apart, but got back up again

I fell apart, I fell apart  
I fell apart, I fell apart  
I fell apart

But got back up again"

DAN'S POV  
In those few minutes that Phil was singing I realised a few things.  
1\. That his voice sounded as beautiful and as powerful as the waves crashing on the stones at Brighton Beach and was better in real life than it ever would be on CD  
2\. That his hands had never looked as beautiful as when they were roaming along a fret board  
and 3. That this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  
He looked around the room when he was singing; at me, to the left, to the right, at the ceiling, never keeping his gazed fix on one place for too long. When he looked to the side and I beheld his profile I had a vision of me waking up in the morning with my arm draped across his torso, I would look to him and that's what I'd see, his side profile, eyes closed in peaceful sleep. I smiled at the thought and knew that one day I could wake up to that every morning.  
The song was so beautiful, and my heart swelled as I remembered that he had written it about us and his battle with anxiety. I could have cried, I was so proud of him.   
When it ended he looked up at me shyly, twitching his nose like he always did when he was nervous.  
"Phil..." I started "That was so beautiful..."  
He put his guitar on the floor beside the sofa and wrapped his arms around me again, and I sighed happily into him. He placed a kiss on my forehead, then another on the tip of my nose, then another on my cheek, but I grew impatient and pressed my lips to his. He opened his mouth and I followed suit, putting my hands around his neck and tangling my fingers in his hair. He broke apart and pulled me onto his lap so that I was straddling him and then continued to kiss me deeply.  
He was my sun and my moon and my stars and my entire life and as he breathed out I inhaled and it was as if if we were ever apart again we'd wither and die like flowers without water. He ran his hand down my shoulders and shoved up my jumper so that his hands were resting on the small of my back, moving in slow circles on my skin. He broke the kiss and I leaned back in instantly as a reflex, craving more, but he stopped me by leaning his forehead against mine. He looked in my eyes deadly seriously, his mouth agape.  
"I love you Dan Howell. I love you so much."  
"I love you too Phil... more than words."  
He cupped my cheek and leaned in, placing a soft, sweet kiss on my lips.  
We pulled away and I got up and stretched.  
"Dan!" yelled Phil, and my eyes sprung open.  
"What?"  
"It's snowing!"  
He leaped up from the couch and ran to the small window across the sitting room and gazed out of it, I joined him and saw that he was right, and the first snow of that winter was beginning to fall.  
"It's so beautiful..." he breathed.  
I looked at him, and in that moment I didn't see a tattooed, pierced, rocker sex god. I saw the glee of a child in his eyes and an awe struck look on his face as he gazed out into the dark that was interrupted by flecks of white. I wrapped my arms around him from behind, resting my head on his shoulder.  
"Yeah..." I whispered "... you are."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it! I really hope you enjoyed it. I loved writing this fic so much. The song Phil played is called Alibi and its by 30 Seconds To Mars and I would recommend that you check it out as it is an awesome song. Just to let you guys know that my twitter is @pipsqueakblog and if you ever want to request for me to write anything I'd love to hear it!
> 
> ALSO  
> I now have a YouTube channel! Feel free to check it out ^_^ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCj7_UTUnkJbi55CTVPQ2nNA/feed

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you liked it, I've got terrible writers block as regards my longer fics, so I thought writing a one shot would be a good way of getting me back into the swing of things! Be sure to let me know what you think!  
> ALSO  
> I finally got a Twitter! You should follow me and tweet me and stuffs @pipsqueakblog ^_^


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